Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been posting as much as I used too. There is the obvious reason for this of course (lack of play partner) but there are also a few other thing going on in the background that you may or may not be aware of. Since some of you readers have been so lovely, I thought I'd fill you in.
I've been a mild dose of anti depressants for about 12 months now. These aren't for depression though, they are instead to help me deal with my anxiety. But things haven't been going so well lately. As you know I lost my job, my play partner, I gained a lot of weight and I also started a new job whose utter monotony (depending on the department I'm working in) really has me feeling down at times. This new job also makes me realise how much I miss my old job, but I think as I settle in it's starting to improve, I hope.
But back to these mild anti depressants. Today after a discussion with my Doctor, we decided to up the dose. We're really hoping that this will improve my mood in general but also my motivation in regards to food and exercise. In the last 12 months I have gained 20kgs. If I keep going the way I am I will be back at my heaviest (159kgs) within 6 months. I know that once I'm back there I'll just give up. I'm close to giving up now to be honest, hence the decision to up my medication.
Twelve months ago I ate relatively healthy, I went to the gym everyday without fail. I had no friends, but I was the happiest I had ever been. In contrast, today I have some wonderful friends, but I am utterly miserable and regaining my anti social ways. I dread the waking hours. I don't want to go to the gym, even with my friends. Once upon a time the trainers at the gym used to actually tell me to take a break.
I want to be like I was twelve months ago. I don't want to be sitting at home on the couch in tears, alone and stuffing my face with McDonalds and chocolate. I know I can change my behaviours. I have to. the alternative is to continue slowly killing myself.