A Little Cloud of Bleak

I warn you from the start, there isn't going to be anything at all entertaining in this post.

These last few months have seen so much going on and I'm afraid that very little of it has been worth celebrating. Things didn't work out with Willow though I'll admit I didn't really expect them too. I then met a really nice guy who actually went out of his way to spring a surprise visit on me, catching me in my pyjama's at 6pm. Despite what I thought was a promising start to things that didn't go as hoped either. Now after three weeks of online chats with him and his repeated promises of friendship and to come visit me I will have to say I've even given up all hope of either of those things ever really happening. I have finally exhausted the local online dating pool and am really not sure what to do next or how to do it.

I've also been having a lot of problems with work. As I've mentioned I am one of many drones who work for a large chain of retail stores. Well about a month ago now I received a phone call (on the store number). It turned out to be from the local library and they were offering me a job. I accepted and subsequently angered my boss at the store. She doesn't want to share me as it means I am now unable to cover many of the random shifts that pop up due to people calling in sick and going on holidays. I can see why she's angry, but when she's not giving me enough hours to survive on without having to ask my parents for money, what else am I supposed to do but take a second job?

I am also still fighting that battle with weight and depression I believe I mentioned at some stage. I'm afraid I'm having no luck with either. At least once a day I find myself coming out of the McDonalds drive thru with a passenger seat laden with food that will not help either my waistline or state of mind. Since my depressive state seems to be closely linked with my weight and my work life it's pretty safe to say that the way things have been going lately haven't really provided any chance for an improvement of mood.

Now to the brighter side of this little update. There is of course the library job which I am thrilled about. What makes it even more of a high point is that I didn't even apply for the position or know of it's existence. The library staff knew me and offered me a job in good faith. I am pleased that I can at least present myself as a capable person even when things are falling around my ears. This job means I have finally been able to buy the new washing machine I have needed for nearly five years. No longer does doing washing mean I risk having my clothes torn to threads.

Unrelated to my new job and improvement of finances is some news that makes me both jealous and thrilled in turn. One of my best friends has just announced she's pregnant! The little munchkin isn't due until the sixth of January so she is is telling people early but I couldn't resist starting a baby quilt for her. Though I will admit I had some trouble finding a suitable, gender neutral appliqué pattern.

I'll try to fill in a few more blanks soon enough but as things are at the moment I just haven't felt like writing. To be honest, there have been too many times of late when I have just felt like curling up in a little ball and crying myself into oblivion. I'm trying to keep smiling to keep smiling though all this.In the end it's the only thing I can do even if my smile doesn't actually match my feelings. At least with a smile I'm the only one who really knows how bad things are.