Well, I didn't make it past day 12. I'm talking about my self-celibacy of course. I tried my best, I really did. However, these things often don't go to plan.
The hurdle in my attempt came in the form of Ass Face himself, more often known as Mr Good-Company. Now if you are a regular reader you will know just how much I have been looking forward to going to Sexpo with him. Now it wasn't just Sexpo itself I was looking forward to, but the night of fun to follow. It has been approximately 3.5 months since I have had sex and 2.5 months since I have had any fun at all, even something as simple as kissing. I was reeeally looking forward to 'After Sexpo'.
Then out of the blue, a massive projectile fell out of the sky and knocked my celibate, fantasising little socks off. Mr Good-Company was talking to a girl and he really thinks/thought (don't ask me, I don't know) that he has a chance with her. As such he would be 'un-single' come Sexpo time.
I'm not going to lie, I did cry. I was quite upset. Despite my attempts not to raise my own hopes, not to expect it to happen until it actually did, I had begun to really believe it would happen.
At this stage, Mr Good-Company has said that if nothing happens with this girl, then Sexpo is still on. But I'm not letting my hopes be raised again, I don't like how much it hurts when I fall through the sky and crash back down to reality. In my mind, until he let's me know otherwise, Sexpo is 99.99% not happening (I want to say it's not happening, but damn it I still seem to be hoping).
Now I am aware, as several close friends have told me, that I am being silly, stupid, naive, insert appropriate insult here. I know this. I really, really do. I know I am nothing but a fall back option for sex, for a blow job, for a good time. If I let myself think about, it does hurt. But I choose not to. I want sex to, I want oral, I want to have a good time. Unfortunately, this seems to be the only way I can have this good time.
Okay! Calm down! I'm not having a go at myself so to speak, I know one day there will be others One day someone will want me for more than just sex. I've never given up hope of that. The day I give up hope, will be the day that living loses it's appeal. I am an optimist. I always have been. Even when I considered suicide several years ago, the one thought that stopped me was that 'One day it will be better'. I still believe this. One day it will be better.
Still wondering how my celibacy failed? It's simple really, when I'm quite upset I play. It makes me feel better. I do think that I failed my celibacy attempt, but that doesn't matter to me. I tried my best. I survived longer than I thought, proved that I am stronger than I thought. But that is what often seems to be the case, you never really know exactly how strong you can be, until you are tested. I am always being tested. I am always stronger than expected and I always will be.