It was nearly 12 months ago now that I joined the dating site. So much has changed since then and so much hasn't. As I sit here writing this I feel the same sadness in my chest that I was feeling 12 months ago. I am crying and my usual smile is so far away. I am still incredibly lonely.
I have so many more friends now than I did 12 months ago, both online and in real life. But I still feel so much as if I am missing something. I want someone who I can hug for no reason and who I know will hug me back. I want to go to sleep at night with someone in my bed who I'll want to wake up to the next day.
I know that these are all the clichéd wants of a single person. Perhaps it's my loneliness creating them, perhaps they are something that I genuinely need. I don't know. But right now I feel so sad and those are the only wants that I have.
I still wonder sometimes if I would have been better off never having met Mr Good-Company. I never would have known how nice something as simple as holding hands is, how nice it is to kiss someone, how nice it is to wake up beside someone. Yet at the same time I cherish those memories for the pleasure they gave me. The only thing I would trade those memories for is love.
I have truely come to the realisation that I am never going to find what I am looking for in this town. This doesn't help my sadness. I love it here. The beach, most of the people, the general feel of the place. I have lived in many different towns across my short life, but to me this is home. Even when I didn't actually live here, this was home When I'm angry and need to escape, this town, the beach; this is my home. I'm going to miss it.
I am thinking of leaving here at the end of 2012. Yes, I know I was thinking of leaving here at the end of this year as well. This time there is more cement behind my intentions though. I'm thinking of moving to Geelong. My sister lives there and as of next year so will my best friend. There is another branch of the retail outlet I work for there as well. After talking to my manager today, I now know that staff transfers are possible between stores as well.
There are several reasons why I am going to wait another year, survive another year of being alone before I go through with this move. The first is the most superficial: there are still 12 months before my gym membership expires and I can't afford to waste the money I paid for it. My second reason is also financial. I assume it's likely that renting will be more expensive there. I need to save money for both the move itself and to pay the bond of wherever I end up.
As for my third reason? Well that's career based. I plan on furthering my standing within the company within the next 12 months. I have only been employed by them for a year but I already work as many hours as the manager and have become one of the more knowledgeable members of our staff. I'm not bragging. I am good at my job and believe I have the skills to take it further. Over the next 12 months I plan to continue working my hardest and to undertake the necessary training to development my management skills. Give me 5 years and I plan on managing one of our stores. Just you watch me do it!
I know that it's a bit early for New Years resolutions. But I resolve that 2012 shall be my stepping stone year. I'm going to work hard, build my skills, save my money and leave the town I love. As for 2013? I'm an optimist. My fingers are already crossed.