In our last session the couch I had told the couch about my interest in bondage. I have had this interest since my early teenage years. For some reason the idea of being tied and bound with rope just appealed to me. I always hoped that I would one day have the chance to try it.
Now after our last session The Couch started to wonder what may have influenced this interest. She acknowledges that a large part of how sexual interests is really unknown, but that something may grown from some past event. Today she told me that perhaps the reason I enjoyed this bondage was because throughout my life I had been conditioned to associate things that are bound or locked away, with pleasure.
The specific event she is mentioning occurred during most of my teenage years and is one again associated with food, a substance that many of enjoy and take pleasure in. As I was growing up I showed a tendency to gain weight and since I really love food this was no surprise. My parents solution to this was to put a padlock on the door to the pantry. I was literally locked away from food, from this substance I took joy in.
I of course found ways around this. There was a latch that kept the pantry door shut and it had the loop that the padlock would be threaded through. When no one else was around I would unscrew this latch, removing it and the still locked padlock. I would take what I thought I could, trying to make it look as though nothing was missing. I was always caught eventually, but it did take some time for my mother to figure out how I was doing it. She then super-glued the latch to the door so that it couldn't be removed. My solution was to find the key, which I did. At various other times food was locked in a suitcase with a combination lock. The answer to this was to once again to wait until the house was empty and then to sit next to the suitcase and try every possible combination from 0000-9999. Thankfully I found the combination before I reached 0600.
I suppose to some extent this may explain why I find pleasure in bondage. The learned behaviour that what is bound is pleasurable. I'm not going to try and kid myself that this is the reason I enjoy being tied up. It may be the reason, it may be part of the reason or it may not have anything to do with it at all. But it is one idea.
The other thing we touched on today was masochism. We went into much less detail with this, but the one conclusion that we came to is that everybody has the potential to enjoy pain. Everybody's bodies produce endorphins to combat pain, it's just that maybe some people are more able to embrace it.
We a made a bit of loose connection between my masochistic tendencies and my self harm. Yes, these things are both extremely different scenario's, the one thing they have in common being the release of endorphins, causing me to enjoy the experience.
As I mentioned earlier I have found both of these kinks very easy to accept. The Couch suggests that the reason for this is because I had no real sexual education so to speak. Sex education and what was 'normal' in both relationships and the bedroom is something my parents never really touched on. So everything I've come to know about sex has been learnt from books and the internet. As with 'normal' reading I tended to return to the genres that appealed to me, if that material just happened to be kinky, than who was I to judge myself? I had always been taught to read what I enjoyed. Since this was what I enjoyed, then what was the problem? In my mind there was none.
I continue to have no problem accepting these thing today, both in myself and others. I somehow learnt to accept people and myself for their differences. If my learning to accept myself and my interests means that I'm a little kooky, then I can live with that. If I were to constantly worry about people judging me for those things, then it's possible that I could never be happy. I can live with me, it's up to everyone else if they can too.
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