Who am I?

My name is Jessica Louise Carlson (not my real name obviously, but for the purposes of this let's just pretend that it is). I am 5ft 11inches tall, I have long-ish blonde hair and blue eyes. I weigh approximately 116kgs and have size 12 feet.

Why am I telling you this? A reader sent me a note saying that though all the sexual stuff I write about is entertaining and gives people an idea of who I am in that aspect of things, nothing I had wrote had given a view of myself in my entirety. So while the above description certainly tells people what I look like, it stills leaves me pondering that age old question of 'Who am I?'

The first thing that comes to mind when I think of myself is the word 'insecure'. I know that this certainly seems like a bad thing, but in reality everybody has something that they're insecure about. I have two main insecurities; my looks and my sanity. Since loosing over 40kgs, I am still adapting to what I look like now. I still find it hard to believe that people who might be looking at me in the street and commenting on my size, now may in fact be looking for a more positive reason.

My sanity is something else all together. I have a temper and am terrified of losing it. I know that I over react about things, but then I wonder was there actually anything there to react too? Did I create all the drama in my own head? There are events from my teen years that I just don't recall happening, yet there are multiple witnesses. Then I wonder 'But perhaps they're just saying that to mess with me?' This leads to a rather large dose of paranoia that perhaps people are messing with me, making me very distrustful of people in general.

On a more positive note, who am I? I am the girl who like roses and sunflowers. I grow each of these in my small little garden. I like the old-fashioned roses, the ones who's petals are just falling open, releasing their deliciously heady scent. As far as I'm concerned those small, perfect store bought roses are just copies. To perfect looking to be truly real. I'm proud of my sunflowers, they grow to over 7ft tall. I love it when my land-ladies children are wandering around the place, standing back in awe when first seeing these magnificent flowers. Both roses and sunflowers are happy flowers. When I see a sunflower, or walk into a room and catch a whiff of that musky rose smell, I just can't help but smile.

I am a nerd. I love to read absolutely anything. From thrillers and crime, to fantasy and adventure. The only genre I'm not really a fan of is romance. I don't read as much now as I used to, the side-effects of my anxiety disorder making it quite hard for me at times. There was a day when I could easily devours a 300 page novel in the space of a couple of hours. I'm working my way back up to that. Baby steps people. I also consider myself to be a 'Whovian'. I love Doctor Who and it's spin-off series Torchwood. I am the person who has the box-sets on pre-order so that I can eagerly watch them over and over again.

I love puzzles. Not suduko though, I have never been able to make it to the end of things. I tend to tear them up into tiny little pieces before I'm even half way through. I enjoy jigsaw puzzles and board games. The only jigsaw that has beaten me to date is one that I recieved for my 16th birthday. It is a 'Simpsons' photo-mosaic. That means that the entire puzzle picture is made up of tiny little pictures. I'll complete it one day. But until then it's shut in the cupboard of 'things that drive me crazy'.

I work in a party supply shop. I only started this job a couple of months ago but I absolutely love it. I work with the nicest bunch of people you will ever meet. I'll use today as an example. My car is in need of a few repairs so I am currently relying on the local bus service, but the last bus leaves for town 20 minutes before I finish work. Since I'm unable to leave early to catch the bus, my lovely boss, who finishes work several hours before I do, has offered to give me a lift back into town.

It's also an absolutely hilarious place to work. The place is basically a balloon shop that also sells catering supplies and party supplies such as pinatas and dress ups. The other day I was introduced to a new game played by some of the staff, 'brain ball'. This game involves a giant balloon (about 1m round) that has begun to deflate with age, several staff members and the counter. One staff member stands on either side of the counter and the aim is to head-but it to the other side of the counter, hitting the ball with your head no more than twice and if the balloon touched the floor or roof then it's a point to the other person. This game is fantastic fun, for both spectators and the lucky participants.

So who am I? To be honest even I don't really know that. I can't really tell you more than I already have. Who I am is constantly fluctuating and evolving, changing to suit what I need to be for whatever particular stage of life that I'm in. So who am I you ask? I am an insecure, flower-loving, brain-ball playing nerd. I can certainly live with that.