Monday, 21 March 2011

Wish I Fit the Stereotype..

I am a thinking blonde. I always have been and always will be. If an idea comes into my head then I will work at it until I can see all possible and likely outcomes. Often those outcomes can cause me a lot of stress to the point of becoming physically ill. I often wish that I were the sort of person who could just accept things without question, but I'm not. I want to know the answers.

Of late my logical self (the one I often try to ignore) has been thinking. This self was thinking 'This kind of feels like we're being used. This isn't what we expected'. These feelings were further authenticated by the opinions of several friends who know of my arrangement with Mr Good-Company, causing me to begin some serious stressing...

In my life there have been lots of hardships (often of my own creation, but just as often not) that I have had to deal with. I believe that so far I have dealt quite reasonably with things as they stand. My psychologist assures me that everything I feel and do to manage those feelings is totally within reason, after two years with her I have come to trust that she knows what she's on about.

Yesterday I asked Mr Good-Company if he was just using me for fun, my timing probably wasn't fantastic considering he was under the influence of a certain recreational drug. His reply was a rather non-committal 'There's nothing wrong with fun'. This I agreed with though I followed it with asking if he thought we would be friends if we weren't having fun. His reply was a less than reassuring 'Yeah'.

I suppose the feeling of being used comes from the fact that we never do normal 'friend' like stuff. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy the fun side of things, if you've read even a small amount of this blog you'll know that I certainly do. The only 'normal' friend behaviour we seem to engage in is online chats and at time these feel very one sided, more so when compared with how they were in the beginning. After the usual greetings the chats seem to become very quiet on Mr Good-Company's end. I do most of the talking and at times often wait up to ten minutes for a one word reply of 'lol' or 'cool', again in stark contrast to our chats in the first month of knowing each other.

I am someone who absolutely loves talking to people, I will often have 3+ Facebook chats going at anyone time as well as those on the dating site. I often find it easier to have conversations online as my anxiety issues are less likely to kick in. So these one-sided chats leave me feeling, to some degree, quite cheated.

I would certainly like to be friends (in the normal sense of the word) with Mr Good-Company. I have too few friends in this life not to try and hang on to any possible friendship. My anxiety inducing thoughts would certainly be eased by any reassurance of the suggestion friendship outside the more 'fun' part of mine and Mr Good-Company's arrangement.

Disclaimer: Looking back I do believe I was being a bit of a grump and was definitely in need of some chocolate when I wrote this. The friend side of things probably isn't as non-existent as this post makes it out to be. Smile!

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